Meditation on light and darkness

It seems that I have been in darkness of my own mind for a long, long time.

It found exceptionally easy for itself to build extremely bad situations for me just because it seems that I haven’t allowed myself (or perhaps I was, simply put, lazy)… anyway – I haven’t allowed myself to take charge and control.

Now that I at least begin to work on that, it seems that it got used to the power it had and won’t so easily let it go.
Bloody corruptionist!

Had I make so big mistake not to kill it long time ago? Should I kill it now?
Will I have a minute of happiness until I do? And when I do?

Is the nothingness the only fulfillment?